Sex. Love. Marriage.

Relationships are broken down into categories. I’ll start with the first one.

1. Sex. For Kelly and me, that part was easy. Shhh. Don’t tell her dad. He’s always hated me. No need to give him further evidence.

2. Love. I knew the moment Kelly punched me in the ear for stealing her car that I loved her. This also leads back to her dad hating me, but whatever. There’s a good reason behind the car stealing. If you ask her, probably not.

If the sex and love work out, it usually ends in… drum roll, please…. You guessed it.

3. Marriage. Being married is ridiculously hard. Staying married, is even harder. I can give you some advice, but you probably shouldn’t listen to me. I took advice from a porn star, took a tiny blue pill, and fell through a shower door. I’d like to never remember that night again.

Somewhere along this terrifying journey of marriage and parenthood—my swimmers made five of the little sh*ts angels—our relationship as husband and wife fell apart. I can pinpoint the exact moment, as you’ll soon see, but that’s what leads me to this.

Sex. Love. Marriage. And all the chaos in between.

I’m not proud of what I resorted to at times and completely own my dumbass moments, but we’re friends, right? Proceed with caution.